Friday, February 20, 2009

Weird habits o' mine

This post is for Sue's Very Funny Friday (or, apparently, Friday) blog carnival. Is blog carnival supposed to be capitalized? I don't really care, so I guess we can pretend that was a rhetorical question.

Inspired by this post on Ameliorate Me, I started thinking about all the weird habits I have. (Yeah, I know, her post is kind of old now. I started writing this a while ago, and...I just didn't finish it. I'm lazy. I apologize. Not sincerely, though.) I can't list all of them, obviously, both because I probably don't realize most of them are weird (ah, ignorance) and because it would be a long list. So here are just a few :

1. I make a lot of weird noises. Most of it is in imitation of the kids or to amuse them or whatever, but sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it, and I'll be doing it when they're not around and I have no excuse. It's at the point now where I automatically moo if I see a cow or neigh if I see a horse.

2. Offshoot of number one, but I have started talking to B in the simplistic baby talk terms I use with Mr. Man. (I usually don't talk baby talk to YaYa. Most of the time. If I remember.) The other night, B dropped something and I said, “Uh-oh!” in a really bright, high voice. He looked at me and said, “I'm not one of the kids.” Then I started laughing at what a total dork I've become. It's probably a good thing I don't work outside the home or I'm sure I'd be insulting the intelligence of all my coworkers by accidentally talking to them like they were two.

3. I worry that if I shed hair or skin cells at a place that later becomes a crime scene I will somehow be implicated. Or, if there's no body, that they'll find my forensic evidence and conclude that I am dead, which will lead to a horrible beaureacratic red tape mess because the government will think I am dead. It will be like The Net, except without computers and torrid vacation affairs with The Wrong Man.

4. I have an incredibly overactive imagination. I will be driving and see someone pulling up to a stop sign going too fast and I will imagine them hitting me. I imagine people being rude to me and me sassing them back. I imagine what I would do if someone broke into the house. (I need to implement my weapons-hiding system, but they have to be safe for kids, too. Hmm.) I'm sure this is some sort of coping mechanism. For what, I don't know—my antisocialism? Antisociality? Is that a word?

And one I don't do that I should: I don't leave my house clean when I leave it. I always feel like I should, because what if I get into a car accident or get kidnapped and the police have to come look around? If I believe TV no one else fails in this, because every house on CSI is always perfectly maintained, even when it's supposed to be a lowlife or a slob or a lowlife slob.

5 comments:

  1. Weird? Nah, not at all. If it is, then I guess I qualify as weird. I work outside the home and do find myself giving instructions to people like they're 2 years old.

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  2. I had never thought of number three before. THANK YOU for giving me something new to obsess over. ;> Loved this post.

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  3. Leaving the house clean? I'm with you on that one.

    When my daughter was little we had to call an ambulance because she was having a seizure....blah blah blah, she was fine but I remember looking around when I got home from the hospital and being horrified at the state of my house and that THEY (the medics) had seen. HORRIFIED. I wanted to call them up and explain.....I'm not a bad mom - I promise. Since then I always freak out when my house is trashed that something will happen and I will have strangers in my messy house. Who cares about US, just don't let people I don't actually know see it....totally lame.

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  4. Older and Wisor--my friend L once had the police come to her house by mistake. She had two small children, maybe 3 and 1, and the living room was their playroom. There were toys everywhere, and when she walked in and saw them there she was mortified. They were chatting, making sure it was a mistake, and before the cops left one said, "Looks like you have some cleaning to do, huh?" She agreed and, of course, cleaned up after they left. Of course they didn't stay that way. I think she solved the problem by moving their playroom to the dining room so you didn't walk right into the mess. That's my kind of solution.

    This actually leads me to thing 5, which I forgot about: I have a fear that someone is going to decide I'm a bad mom and take my kids away, or accuse me of kidnapping them or something. Really, reading over this list I'm surprised that I ever leave the house, I'm so paranoid about everything.

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  5. CSI has made me paranoid about EVERYTHING. Great post!

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