Monday, April 20, 2009

I don't have a title

Ever since Mr. Man was diagnosed with autism, I feel like I've been blaming everything he does or doesn't do on the autism. Even if they're things I wouldn't have expected him to do (or not do) if he didn't have autism. Does that make sense? And I feel like my temper is shorter, too, which is kind of the opposite of what I would think it would be. Before the diagnosis I gave him a lot of rope. My thought was always "he's two, he can't help it." I still know he can't help it but knowing that his autism might be the reason he can't help it makes me mad. Maybe I'm going through the five stages of grief. I know I've gone through denial. Part of it is that, before, I could look forward to the end. The twos would pass, he would grow up and out of the phase he was in. Except now I don't have that reassurance. I don't know how he'll be behaving a year from now, five years, ten years. Will he mature and learn at a pace that's only slightly slower than normal, a year behind like he is now? Or will he get worse as he gets older? Will the lag be uniform--if he's a year or so behind now, will he always be a year or so behind? Will it pick up or slow down?

I know these are questions no one can answer. I know they are pointless to ask. But I can't help it.

1 comment:

  1. When Brendan was diagnosed that was what I kept asking, "So what does this mean? Is he going to ever get any better?" And everybody had the same answer: we have no idea.