Monday, October 22, 2012

I wish

I wish Baby Girl would sleep through the night in her own bed again. I miss being able to sleep soundly. I so so hope this is a phase or related to her cold or something, anything, other than the new routine.

I wish it weren't so hard to get anything done. Taking care of the kids, especially Baby Girl, is time consuming, don't get me wrong, but that's not even really what I'm talking about here. Not having more than ten minutes to do anything for the past several years has decimated my attention span, and now I can't even read an entire blog post (and not even one of those that goes on for 5000 words) without my attention wandering. It takes forever to write my own blog posts because I'm constantly clicking over to something else. I used to be able to sit and read for twelve hours at a time. I won't ask what happened, because I know what happened (spoiler alert: it was having kids), but I wonder if I'll ever be able to just sit and do something for hours on end again.

I wish that I could get anyone to help me around here without me having to throw a temper tantrum and guilt them into it. That's what my mom does and I hate it, and I don't want to be that person. I don't blame her, though, because it's very effective. I wish people could just do things without having to be asked, begged, or screamed at about them.

I wish anyone understood--or made an effort to understand--what kind of sacrifices I make for this family. My sleep, my health, the tiny bit of money I earmark for myself each month--all are routinely given up for the good of the family. I won't lie and say I don't mind, because I do, but I just wish B cared enough to notice. He won't unless I bring attention to it, though, and I'm not going to because it sounds so petty.

I wish I didn't feel like so much of my life was a sacrifice. I love my family and I want to do everything for them. But I just want a few hours to focus on something I want to focus on, to have the kids do their chores without a fight, to have B look at me and see how stressed I am and take the reins, and most of all to just sleep through the night again.

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