Wednesday, November 28, 2012

A letter to my house

Dear House,

I have mixed feelings about you right now. On the one hand, you were pretty cheap and you're a decent size. Your layout leaves something to be desired, at least for me, but that's not your fault. Can't choose your family, can't choose how the architect designs you, right?

On the other hand, you seem to be on some sort of determined self-destruction mission. Are you depressed? I know the days are getting shorter, but I don't think they make SAD lights for houses. Sorry. You are literally falling apart at the seams, namely drywall seams. I keep finding new cracks from them in all my walls. In every single room. Why? We've lived here for two and a half years and you are already 44 years old, so what's up? Why now? I mean, I know it was pretty dry this summer and I didn't know we were supposed to water your foundation, so you got that big crack in the basement, and I'm sorry about that. We fixed it, though, right? And did a much better job than the last people? I know they've dealt with these popped seams before because I can see the shoddy repairs they did, so I guess they forgot to water your foundation too. Sorry we've treated you so shabbily, but I know better now. When you know better, you do better. And if it makes you happy to know (and it makes me a tiny bit happy), the guy that did that crappy patch job owes $100,000 in back child support and should probably be arrested soon. The state should probably use security envelopes on notices like that.

But seriously, you've got to hold it together. I keep finding leaks. The main plumbing line keeps clogging. What gives? We've snaked that thing halfway to the street at least four times now. I promise you a new bathroom and kitchen soon. In fact, I hope to rip out that leaky sink and moldy vanity this weekend and install a (probably temporary) shiny new pedestal sink for you. Won't that be nice? I'll even repair the drywall where the old owners just bashed holes in it to run pipes. That was pretty rude of them, I think.

Also, killing the furnace blower fan wasn't cool. You've got to keep your anger in check, House. That furnace is only a few years old. Just a baby, or that's what the old owners said. I wouldn't be surprised if they lied about its age, though.

So basically I hope you feel better soon. Also, I promise to stop making jokes about burning you down for the insurance money.

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